The Wait After Rape- Pt 3 of 3

When robbed of her virginity, Chloe was left with uncertainty. What was once clear became very muddy. It is expected that rape would impact dating and marriage, yet it didn't destroy her relationships. She and her husband Joshua open up about their intimacy in this final part of our conversation. For full context, read The Wait After Rape Part 1 and Part 2.

How did being raped affect your thoughts regarding abstinence. What was your headspace then?

Chloe: It wasn't really an issue right away. Obviously I needed time to heal and process. Then I went on some dates with a guy. In intimate moments, it was like okay, well… I used to have clear boundaries, like, "We're gonna keep all our clothes on.” [She shrugs.] And now I'm like, “I don't know... do we need to still do that? I mean, where do you draw the line? Are we touching with hands? Are we touching with other body parts?" I didn't know. It was a little touch and go there. Once I got deeper into that situation, That's when it was more conscious. Like, I didn’t know where my line was anymore, because now that everything's been violated, it just didn't seem clear.

And then part of it just worked itself out. He wasn’t the right guy for me anyway, which is probably a blessing, cause there wasn't much more opportunity to explore boundaries. But with that in my mind, I was like, “Okay, we're probably going to need to predefine that again before going forward. So we're not going a little farther than we need to.” It was just different because obviously, what I had known [physically] before Samoa is not what I knew after.

Was your Why different at this point in time? Did you still believe God had a reason for abstinence after your attack?

Chloe: At that point it shifted more from parental expectations to, like, actually my choice. Growing up a little bit at that point, like making decisions for yourself and realizing what is God-honoring. So ultimately, yes. It definitely became more personally driven rather than parentally driven.

When Chloe and Joshua’s relationship got serious, she told him about her abstinence, rape, and decision to continue saving sex for marriage. They discuss the uniqueness that the trauma brought to their relationship.

Joshua: I think when we had the initial conversation you were more worried about how I was going to view you.

Chloe: Uh-huh.

Joshua: She told me about her attack early in our relationship when we started getting really serious. I think that she thought it was weird for her to tell me about it, but I also felt very honored that she did because there's not very many people in our lives that know about it. That's a big deal. 

The number one character trait of Jesus in the Bible is compassion. And I didn't view her negatively at all in that light. As far as I was concerned, she was still a virgin in my eyes. 

As the man in the relationship, that made me want to protect her that much more. In any relationship, it's hard to be abstinent, but it gave me more ability to stay abstinent until we got married.

Did your experience affect you once you were married and abstinence was not a thing anymore Were there any emotional repercussions or obstacles? 

Joshua: Her only experience was a negative one. Even years down the road, it can give somebody a negative view of what's supposed to be a gift. And that’s something you always have to work for.

It also made it more difficult for me because I knew that, as far as our intimacy, I would have to kind of tiptoe into it. Because even though I'm her husband, I'm still a man and that’s the most intimate thing that you can do with somebody. We had to build that from the ground up. We've been able to work together through our marriage to communicate. If I see something that she needs to be shielded from, I'm gonna protect her.

She's battled sometimes with flashbacks and stuff. It's important as a husband to know that because I can be more sensitive.

Chloe: Yeah, some people like kinky stuff in bed, like getting tied up. That is not cool with me. I will not be doing that. When Joshua and I first got together, there were just certain words that I'm like, "I want you to not say these." You know, because some people get turned on, like, "You talk dirty to me." I'm like, "I don't want you to talk dirty to me. Or if you do, these are words that are major turnoffs..” A lot of that has passed, and it's not really an issue. Probably tying up still is, but yeah, you have to build trust in the other person.

Joshua: It’s about finding that line as a couple where usually one partner has a higher sex drive in the relationship and you've got to find that balance and be able to communicate as a couple and work out [sexual preferences]. Like, “This is OK. This is not okay.” We're designed to be able to experiment together, but [rape] puts some different boundaries on it than a regular relationship.

Chloe: [Laughing] But he still sneaks up on me when I'm in the shower and I don't like that.

Joshua: [Shakes his head] I haven’t done that in a long, long time.

What do you want singles to know who share in your experience?

Chloe: The devil works to really thwart your plans and put all sorts of temptations right in your face and, you know, make the rules very gray. Josh will even tell you, “I've got a lot of problems in my life, but I'm very thankful that our marriage is not one of them.” I feel like we've been super duper blessed with our marriage, and, you know, being able to communicate through things and support each other. He lives with people at work in the firehouse, so he sees them communicate with their spouses in very different ways than we do. He says that our marriage is so low-stress compared to almost everyone else.

We feel like we honored God in our relationship leading up to getting married and have done our best to keep God in the center of our marriage throughout. We feel very blessed in how all of that has gone. 

Stay the course. Continue to seek God and honor Him. Your values are yours; don't change them for other people. Keep them in line with God's values and He will bless that.