Sexuality, Identity, and Longing- Allanah's Story

Dating is a mess. Just ask Allanah. She has been wrung out by the pressure of her friends and men online. She lost herself in a three-way tug-of-war between friends, God, and herself. Jarred by difficult truths, Allanah shares her insights with legit advice survive dating in one piece.

Tomoy Vibes

I was always a little tomboyish. People always questioned my sexuality when really I never questioned it. Playing sports and everything just kind of made people be like, “Huh…” It was a burden when people looked at me [that way]. That's not me. Growing up, I made myself overly girly so that identity wouldn't attach itself to me. I was doing my makeup in school. I was on Instagram and Pinterest making sure I had the best outfits.

High School Exposure

I've been a Christian my whole life, but my freshman year is when I met God felt his presence. I was like, “Okay, Jesus, you're real and I understand you.” I kept in church because I didn't want to lose it.

To be honest... I actually was not that good of a kid.

Freshman year, this guy who had graduated was [interested and] talking to me. I felt weird about it. “You know, you're older than me.
I don't trust this.” I recognized those patterns and I stopped it.

My sophomore year, I was friends with people two or three years older than me. I went to the club at the age of 15.

At 16, I went again and saw someone popular from class. I knew, “You're gonna tell everybody.” I was incredibly embarrassed. He told everyone, and the teacher was like, “Allanah would never go to a club.” Everyone accused him of lying. Only, we both know where I was at. People [believed him and] started trying to hang out with me. I'm like, “Guys, that's not who I am. Like, I don't really do that… but I do it, but I don't.” I was just curious, and being bad, but just not in it.

Just Do It

My senior year I started hanging out with college kids. That's never really good. I started being part of the world even though I knew who God was. That was my first time drinking. I was going to clubs and partying. Then I was introduced to dating apps.

I was very much involved. 
I met so many people, so many men. I realized in that moment that I was looking for attention I just never felt like I got. Online, I'm like, “Oh, wow, all these people like me. 
This feels good.” I loved the compliments and feeling wanted. I never linked up with anyone because it was wrong and I was 17. I was very shameful about it. The worst part is I saw people that was in my grade on there and felt some level of comfort.

I had a crush on this guy from another school. 
I wouldn't call it crush... I just wanted to get having sex out the way. I was just like, “This person's available.
I know I can do this.” We started Snapchatting, and I was flexing. We planned to hang out at my friend’s party. The expectation was that we would hook up. I’d never have to talk to him again. I wanted to get it done so I could say I did it. Something in me, I think it was just really just God, convicted me. Like, “Don't do that. Just leave it alone.” 
And I left it alone. I know myself. That would not have felt right in my soul.

After I graduated high school is when I was, like, double confirmed. [Abstinence] is what I'm doing. I saw how my parents were together. They are childhood sweethearts. And so I'm like, I want to be in love. If I just wait, then maybe I would just find someone that actually values me and loves me.

Season of Lesbians

I was friends with in a group of nine girls.
Everyone in this friend group started off straight. It was a trend to come out in 2020. They started calling us the lesbian friend group.

One friend was a low gay girl [Danni]. She would deny being gay to get close to other girls with the intention of being with them. I felt bad for those people because I knew she was going to exploit it and make them do things they weren’t sure about. Danni had this weird obsession with trying to make people come out to her- and it worked!

My best friend was in the group. Her sexuality had been questioned by others, but not by her until she was in the group. It was hard for me to see her come out. I knew that that is not something she fully felt comfortable doing.

Danni used to ponder me and ask me am I gay. No. People looked at me because I was friends with all these gay girls like, “You're the straight one?” Yes. They were trying to morph me into a bisexual. And I'm like, “That's not who I am.”

And then it took me back, “Well, dang, like, am I? Are they seeing something I don't?” But I didn't like girls. I was not gay. I was in his gray area because of how many people were trying to ponder this thing in me.

I wasn’t praying or going to God about it. Instead, I started talking to men more. I lost myself. I was just talking to guys to get this burden off my shoulders because they made me question myself. I lost who I was. I started drinking more. I was going to clubs, still partying, and smoking a little.

A Real Snack

I started talking to Jay on a dating app. Ooo, I love football players.
His intention of talking to me was to hook up. It formed this whole status confusion. Are we talking? Dating? A hook up and done? I honestly did a lot of things that I didn't want to do because I wanted to look cool to Jay. He smokes weed in a group of people, then this is what I'm gonna do (and post it). It was me trying to get approval.

Eventually, Jay wanted to meet up and do it. I was coming up with all the excuses in my mind. I didn't want to go. I still felt convicted about it, even though I was separated from God. I asked my mom if I could drive an hour away to go see a guy and spend the night.

She said, “Yes.”

Stay tuned for Part 2 of Allanah's story...