Pt. 2- Sexuality, Identity, and Desire- Allanah's Story

Part 1 of Allanah's story wrestled through sexuality and conformity. Allanah thought she could count on her mom to put a stop to an overnighter with Jay. It would make this decision easy. Shockingly, her mom said yes.

Permission

What??

I decided, “I can't go. No.” Then Jay told me that it was his last weekend before transferring to a college in Florida. I was just like, “Now, I don't want to do that.” I didn't go anywhere with him, but we continued to talk. I wanted him to be my husband.

My Way Please

I was praying for Jay more than myself. God gave me visions of what my life could be like if I didn't. I saw myself living in the city with a group of friends. It was me and God and I was living a godly life. “Well, God, I want that.” He told me, “If you want that, just stop talking to [Jay].” I thought, “I don't know. That's not making him my husband….”

There was this mountaintop with a nice view of the city. I would pray up there for hours for Jay to be my husband. Once, as I was praying for Jay, a demon that kind of attacked me. I continued [praying] and rebuked it. That had never happened to me before. It was scary. Yet I still wanted to live in a future with Jay.

God told me to let Jay go, but I couldn't. We didn't have a sexual soul tie, but there was definitely an emotional one. I realized that but thought, “I really just cannot stop talking to him.” I felt stuck. That's why our friend/relationship/whatever lasted for two years.

Once Jay moved away, we were not going to see each other no more. I was okay with it. That simplified [the temptation to have sex], but he was still texting me on a sexual level.

God revealed to me that Jay only wanted me sexually. There was no emotional desire to get to know me or love me.
I was so hurt. I don't want someone to love me for the moment; I want someone who actually loves me for me. We simmered down and stopped talking. I was turning 20, so that was three years ago.

Boom

At the mountaintop again. I was joking with God like, “Haha, God, should I get on Tinder? Should I get on Bumble again?” As I'm praying, I kid you not, a big explosion happened somewhere nearby. I didn't even finish my sentence. I was so taken aback.

But no one screamed. No one was scared. I didn't hear a car alarm go off. It was like nothing happened. Did I hear that outwardly or inwardly?

“God, that was your sign. Okay. I trust you. I'm committed to you. I want to find myself.”

Seeing Me

I'm very strong, but I lost myself. I also was confused with my sexuality. I was so hellbent on finding comfort in men
 I found my value when men complemented me and when more people were looking at me. I felt like I would find an identity once I found a man.

God revealed to me that the love that I was trying to give Jay was love that I should be giving to myself in God. That hurt. I looked at myself and realized I love people more than I do myself. That was a hard reality to swallow.

Back then, I didn’t want to know God and the love that he had for me. I was living his double life of being in the world and loving God. I couldn’t do both. That's not who I want to be.

New Life

I have not talked to a man since Jay. Anytime a guy looks at me, I'm like (1) I don't think I'm emotionally available, (2) I don't think I'm spiritually ready, and (3) that's just not the season I'm in.

I saw somebody cute at the church. When I thought about talking to him, God revealed to me a big, fat, no. That was so hard. “Great, God. Why?” God showed me that that guy had a lust for so many different women. I realized I don't want to be lusted for. I never felt comfortable sexually being with a man that did not love me.

It sounds weird to just be like, okay, I don't have a desire to be in a relationship. Some days I wake up thinking maybe. But then other days, God kind of just takes that away from me. I think that He knows how much someone can just take my life. I would just follow after them.

Still a Struggle

I've held onto my virginity, but I still feel like I'm not far from sexual sin. Should I fight these things, like watching porn or masturbating? I had to realize, like, I'm still hurting God, whether it is physical or not. Even if it's against myself, it's still against God. It’s taken me a long time to steer from fighting the sin and urges to move toward loving myself and God. Honestly, the past few years have been hard. Sometimes, if I’m ovulating, I'll wake up feeling like anything goes. If a man smiled and asked for my number, I’d give it. (Heyyy Amazon delivery guy!)

I still don't have a full desire to be with anyone, but I'm still fighting the desire to have someone love me in a way that God does not intend. I never felt true love until I met God.

How God is Strength

I have to be in this this prayer warrior season. When I'm not fully on board and praying consistently, that's when I feel like I've fallen into sin the most sexually. That’s when I am willing and wanting to do anything. 
But the times where I am consistent and (1) praying, (2) reading the Word, (3) and trying to become better in Christ- that's when all those desires are kind of just ripped away. If I love God more than those sins, it's not going to affect me as much.

Advice

Most importantly:

• Be one with God

• Continue to pray

• Be in his Word

• See yourself as God sees you

• Remove sinful obstacles

If your heart posture and your relationship with God is not fully aligned, then those sexual desires aren’t there because you'll have different desires. Check your heart and see where God wants you to be, not where you want to be, because those are two different things.

Self-reflect on your season. Reflect and ask, “Okay, am I ready for [a relationship]?” I think so many times we want to be ready, but then God is not calling us to be in this season to be in this moment.

Staying away from sexual sin is harder if you are already dealing with it on a level like watching porn, talking to somebody, or just kind of like thinking about dating. It's going to be hard to stay away from sexual sin when you are actively going towards it.

Happy to Hold the V-Card

I'm happy that I never actually had sex just because it would have been a flood full of people. Not only would it be a physical tie, it would have been mental. I would have found comfort in sex. It would have detered my life away from God, either sexually or just life-wise. I think I'd probably be somewhere pregnant or working on baby number five.

For a long time during that season of talking to multiple people on dating apps, I realized I wanted to save myself just because that was the only thing I felt like I was doing right with God. I was just texting but was still being lustful. I didn't feel like I was fully sinning because I didn't physically do it. But I'm still abusing God and myself. It's one thing for me already to regret talking to Jay, but it's like another thing if I would have actually done something [physically] with him. That would sit on my chest when I'm going to bed at night.

That's what I liked about like saving myself because, it shows that God really set me apart from these desires, even though I wanted it at my lowest.