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  • Writer's pictureBeverly H.

Wedding Night Bust

Carol was abstinent until she was married, but on her honeymoon- surprise. They couldn’t have sex. She talks about what went wrong, how they handled it, and why she still doesn’t regret choosing to wait. This is her story.


Why Wait?

CAROL: I was committed to abstinence because of my faith. When I met Xander, we were students. We were both committed to abstinence. A lot of that was our faith conviction, but part of it was also that we were students in a southern Baptist seminary living in student housing. The circumstances weren’t conducive to being sexually active even if we’d chosen to.


And there’s a lesson in that. Don’t put yourself in a situation where you’re gonna make a decision you’re gonna regret the next day, you know? Surround yourself with people with like-minded values. It’s not as easy to be tempted. Don’t put yourself in the back of some guy’s car, because that’s where bad decisions get made.


ME: Xander had separately made the same commitment to be abstinent?


CAROL: Yes, yes. And that makes a difference. Don’t date a guy that’s not committed to it because he’s going to put pressure on you, or girls can put pressure on the guy. The Bible says not to yoke yourselves with unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14). It’s a matter of being with someone who has the same values you do, who thinks the same things are important that you think are important.

Carol and Xander were friends a year before they started dating. Once they became an item, it wasn’t long before they were married. Then they dated somewhat long distance over the summer for just 3 months before entering a 9 month engagement.


Getting Ready For Sex

CAROL: So a couple of months before we got married I went to the gynecologist because I wanted to be on birth control. I still had a year of school. We didn’t want children right away. I saw the doctor, and he said to me, “You know, you’re built really small.” And I am. Look [she holds her hand up to the Zoom screen]. These are tiny, tiny, tiny little fingers. I’m just generally built anatomically small. The doctor said, “You know, you might have a little problem, but I think you’ll be okay.” He was wrong. He was very wrong. We weren’t okay. It was bad.


Honeymoon Disaster

CAROL: We got married and went off to our honeymoon several hours away. We had a reservation at a hotel and, you know, then comes the magical night.

Our wedding night! And it became obvious very quickly that it wasn’t going to work. That it was PAINFUL. And I had to say, “Xander, stop. This isn’t happening,” which is a hard thing to say to a man who’s been waiting almost 26 years.


But here’s the lesson- I was with a grown, mature man who loved me. This man truly loved me and had just committed his life to me in front of God and 200 family and friends. He was mature enough to know that when I said, “We have to stop,” that we had to stop.

As far as the honeymoon, we realized there wasn’t anything we could do until after the trip when I could go back to the doctor. We relaxed, we went to the beach, we went out to eat… There are ways that you can be sexually active without having intercourse and it wasn’t a total waste. It wasn’t what we thought it would be, but we made the best of it. You know, it’s one of those situations where you realize this is where we’re at, there’s nothing we can do about it, so where do you want to go eat tonight? And through the years we laughed about it a lot because, you know, it’s laugh about it or cry.


Carol called her mother the morning after, who recommended a visit back to the gynecologist.


CAROL: I called the doctor’s office Monday morning from my honeymoon. I told the receptionist that I had seen him a couple of months before and that I was on my honeymoon and that we were having some serious difficulties and I needed to see the doctor as soon as I got back Thursday morning. She said we can see you 10 days out, and I said, “NO! You don’t understand. That man RUINED MY HONEYMOON and he is going to fix it and I will be at your office first thing Thursday morning. He is going to see me, and HE IS GOING TO FIX THIS!!” The receptionist said sweetly, “Then we’ll see you Thursday morning at 9:30.” D*** straight you will!

I went. He came in with a nurse and he was laughing, “I hear you had some problems on your honeymoon.” I’m like, “This is not funny! There is nothing funny about this! You should have fixed this 2 months ago, and you could have, so you need to fix it now!” They actually did a little procedure there in the office.


The doctor essentially numbed Carol’s lady biz and did a little snip to break the hymen. With a week of healing and stretching exercises, she and Xander were good to go.


Grateful to have Waited? Seriously?

I’m grateful that it was not nearly as bad as it could have been and that I waited. And that I waited until I was with a person that I loved and that was mature and willing to say, “We’re doing what’s best for you in this situation.” We did not have that magical wedding night. Didn’t have it for 10 more days, which required great patience on his part.

But I think about what could have happened. If I had been 17 in the backseat of some guy’s car, a teenager with raging hormones who thinks I said yes and now I’m saying, “No, you have to stop...” Would he have stopped? I don’t know that he would have. The brain isn’t fully developed yet and the last thing that comes during a passionate moment is judgment. Based on my wedding night, I think I would have just bled everywhere. I’d of had a teenaged boy trying to figure out what to do if I’d have passed out hemorrhaging in the backseat of his car.

So I’ve thought about it often, that I’m so glad that I was not in the backseat of some guy’s car who didn’t have the good sense to say, “Yes, we have to stop. This isn’t working.” Instead, I was with someone who loved me enough to say, “Yeah, I’m disappointed, but we’re gonna figure this out. Life goes on. When we get back from our honeymoon, you’ll see the doctor. We’ll get it fixed.”

And we did.


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